Why do we wait until someone dies to reevaluate our life? It's the ultimate game of chicken. My friend's father died suddenly and unexpectedly this past weekend. In his early 60s, he was far too young to have left this place.
We all have visions of how our life will unfold. A lot of the time we get so caught up in reaching the endpoint that we forget to enjoy the journey. I didn't know him well, but from the wake and funeral it was obvious that he preferred the journey to the destination. It's enviable because we are all going to reach the same destination whether we realize it or not. No one escapes death. But not everyone can say they have squeezed the essence out of every single day. This man had done that.
Ever since my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment I've tried to live purposefully. I'm not sure I'm doing a good job with this. Sadly, I don't think you find out till your funeral. The theme for this man's life was service. He spent his time loving his wife, daughters, grandchildren and family. And from the outsider's perspective, there didn't seem to be any regrets. That is what I want for me and my family; a life of no regrets.
There have been dozens of books and songs about this but with Hurricane Harvey swirling around my back door, I can't help but want to reemphasize some of the bullet points. As Eminem points out:
"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go.
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you better.."
If Eminem has if figured out, surely the rest of us can do a better job? (And no disrespect to Marshall Mathers, BTW). Why do we get so caught up in the stuff that doesn't matter? If not plucked early and often, petty grievances are like splinters that become festering sores. It should be simple. Love one another. Isn't that what Christ told us to do. Love one another. One simple commandment (besides the love your God with all your heart one) and we can't get it done. We can find all sorts of justifications not to love someone, and I get it, some people are difficult to love. But that's not what he said. He didn't say love only the lovable. You can ignore that really annoying one over there. As a matter of fact, he specifically told us to go love the annoying and unlovable and stinky.
I think what it boils down to is this: I really miss some people. I want to be close to all of my people all of the time. Life flies by at breakneck speed and if you're the dead one it doesn't matter so much. But if you are the one left behind, that could be devastating. You can't recover missed opportunities the way you recover deleted files. None of the other stuff matters. Teslas don't matter. Being a size 2 doesn't matter. Having an enviable Instagram doesn't matter. Being the jefe doesn't matter. Most things don't matter. Isn't that the whole book of Ecclesiastes?
My 90 year old grandmother, Nana, died recently. I had her for almost 49 years. I'm grateful I was able to spend time with her right before she died but I'm even more grateful that I spent so much time with her over the past 49 years. Time is so intangible and yet so priceless. It reminds me of another song that my boozy parents listened to in the 1970s when they were in their early 20s and too young to be nurturing anything other than a hangover:
"But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with"
Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce
Nana taught me so many things; unconditional love, humility, graciousness. She lived an exemplary life. She lived a difficult life full of sorrow but it gave birth to a woman with a most remarkable character. If I had not spent time with her I wouldn't have known her. I might have known about her, but I wouldn't have known her. I don't regret a single summer vacation, Christmas break or Easter that I drove to Laredo to see her, even if it was just 48 hours. She's perfectly etched in my memory and she is alive and well in my mind.
So the bullet points I promised you earlier:
** love, truly love
** forgive often and easily
** ask for forgiveness
** don't be afraid to make mistakes but see 3rd bullet point
** spend every possible moment you can with the people you love
** worrying robs you of precious time
** call your parents and your grandparents. they did they best they could
** giving your time is far superior to any other gift you could give
** own a dog. they are the definition of unconditional love
** practice gratitude. we aren't owed anything. every breath we take is a gift
** take time to thank God for everything you have
** be the change you want to see in your relationships and your world
** kindness should be demonstrated as mush as humanly possible. You don't know the next person's story
** travel and learn about people who are different than you. It's a big world out there
** listen to old people. the external package may be dusty but inside are hidden treasures
** laugh often and out loud
** appreciate this planet we've been loaned. it's a masterpiece
The storms may be raging outside, but within you can be a sea of tranquility. I'm sad for my friend and her family but grateful for the lessons learned by a life well lived. And selfishly, I wish I could still drive down and see my Nana, but she's waiting for me in a better place.
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