Projects

My husband said we need to start our own business called "Third Grade Projects Done in an Hour; Guaranteed to Look Like a Third Grader Did It!"


This is our interpretation of what our daughter's Lincoln Memorial project would look like had she actually done it herself. I think she'll take at least an 89 on her lack of effort.

Lee and I must be the worst parents on the planet. She's been telling us about this project for weeks. Lee even texted about 37 different photos of the actual Lincoln Memorial from their recent trip. All along we had planned to photoshop a picture of daughter's face onto the Lincoln statue. We had it all planned out except for the actual execution.

At 9 o'clock while we are laying (lying?) in bed she suddenly freaks out. "Oh my God! What day is it?!"

"Sunday," I reply.

"No, I mean the date?" The full on girl hysterics complete with waterworks and hyperventilating are about to begin.

"My project is due tomorrow!! What am I going to do!?!?!"

Obviously, we didn't have any of the instructions for the project/paper, but thankfully my friend bailed us out, immediately emailing over her kid's copy. Meanwhile, our daughter is wailing because she thinks that forgetting about a 3rd grade project is a tragedy akin to the sinking of the Titanic.

Lee and I had hoped that tonite might be the night we'd actually get to have a conversation, but we both just sighed as we talked our 9 year old down off the ledge knowing that our evening was going to be spent figuring out how to make a model of the Lincoln Memorial using duct tape and paper towel rolls. Between the 2 of us we have more than 20 years of graduate level education and here we are staying up late on a third grade assignment. I think I've pulled just as many late nights on elementary school projects as I did studying in medical school. Seriously. And if you did a side by side comparison of my grades in medical school against the grades my kids have made on the innumerable projects they've (I've) completed in the past 7 years, you'd wonder how I ever made it past the 3rd grade in the first place and you'd be glad medical schools don't ask for 3rd grade transcripts or require their students to do reports on the history of the cadaver with concomitant paper mâché models.

Now I'm sure that all 3 of you who are reading this are clucking and tisk-tisking about the bawdiness of my overt disregard for assignments and the honor code and self-sufficiency in children. And wondering where my daughter is going to land in 10 years if I'm rescuing her at this minor level. My response to all of you haters out there..."I have no frigging clue if I'm doing this correctly and I hope to God I'm not causing any kind of irreversible damage."

Oh yeah, she was worried that her report wouldn't be long enough because the teacher wants a full page. Guess how we fix that little problem? Increase the font size. Voilà! It's big enough for Helen Keller to read, but it's a full page!

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Norovirus

Oldest kid is home with a wicked case of Norovirus, likely contracted while he was on the school trip. He's mostly on the mend, just needing some TLC.


His little brother thought he could capitalize on big brother's unfortunate turn of events. This morning middle kid was specifying his symptoms; nausea, belly discomfort, sensation of imminent vomiting. I had signed off on another absence and was assuring him of his likely need for summer school and I guess he decided he needed to throw in another symptom just to solidify his case. But, he picked the wrong symptom-shortness of breath. Mom, "It's hard for me to breath." At that point I knew he either was suffering from Ebola virus or he was full of sh*t. My pre-test probability for bullsh*t was high. It might have been reasonable for him to be coming down with the same highly contagious GI illness, but throw in respiratory distress and you either need an ICU bed or a day of school. After tossing him a Tylenol and a Zofran, we were out the door and suddenly he was cured.



Middle kid during President's Inauguration. The flag next to the pool of drool signifies his patriotism.

My friend is tired of helicopter parenting her college age child. I'm fairly close to the college student and friend wants me to inquire of student's progress acquiring a summer internship, review student's personal statement and advise student that he/she should quit relying on adults in his/her life to get things completed. Hmmm?

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Truancy

Show of hands...do you let your 5th grader skip school to study for his 9 week cumulative math test? His father is advocating a day home from school (with me as the enforcer and coach of said studying). And apparently I'm rude for disagreeing and having an opinion. The problem is multifactorial; a) he missed 2 days of school last week because he was "sick" and too "sick" to study b) he is in DC for the inauguration this weekend and he legitimately hasn't had any time to review his math (his teacher graciously gave him an extension on completion so he can finish on Wednesday when he returns to school) c) he has no knowledge of what might be covered on the test and denies existence of study guide or any kind of review that might have been provided by the same gracious teacher who has twice postponed his tests d) no amount of cramming is going to fix his lack of effort.

My husband is nervous and doesn't want our kid to fail, which is admirable, but I kind of feel like the 5th grader has dug himself a pit and to rescue him at this point would be robbing him of a valuable lesson, which as my friend Vanessa calls, "getch yo head outta yo ass, son!"
Of the 3 children this is definitely the kid who requires healthy doses of tough love. Otherwise, charming as he is, he is prone to sloth-fullness.

The other issue is how to communicate with husband so he doesn't just here "screech, screech, screech" from the evil bitch mom/wife. Compounding his anxiety over our son's math test debacle is his overwhelming tiredness from chaperoning the middle school field trip to DC and his lack of preparation for his own presentation this Thursday. Wrongly, he assumed he'd have time to work on his power point presentation. He is the one who needs to play hookey from work this Wednesday so he can prepare his slides.

My biggest problem is timing and sensitivity. If I hadn't been such a bull in the china shop when he called, I would have responded differently to the exhaustion and anxiety in his voice and words. Instead I tried to discuss reason with an insanely tired man.

So, that's it for the night...survey says a) yes he stays home or b) he goes to school?
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