Lessons Learned From a Life Well Lived

Why do we wait until someone dies to reevaluate our life? It's the ultimate game of chicken. My friend's father died suddenly and unexpectedly this past weekend. In his early 60s, he was far too young to have left this place.



We all have visions of how our life will unfold. A lot of the time we get so caught up in reaching the endpoint that we forget to enjoy the journey. I didn't know him well, but from the wake and funeral it was obvious that he preferred the journey to the destination. It's enviable because we are all going to reach the same destination whether we realize it or not. No one escapes death. But not everyone can say they have squeezed the essence out of every single day. This man had done that.



Ever since my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment I've tried to live purposefully. I'm not sure I'm doing a good job with this. Sadly, I don't think you find out till your funeral. The theme for this man's life was service. He spent his time loving his wife, daughters, grandchildren and family. And from the outsider's perspective, there didn't seem to be any regrets. That is what I want for me and my family; a life of no regrets.



There have been dozens of books and songs about this but with Hurricane Harvey swirling around my back door, I can't help but want to reemphasize some of the bullet points. As Eminem points out:



"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment

You own it, you better never let it go.

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you better.."



If Eminem has if figured out, surely the rest of us can do a better job? (And no disrespect to Marshall Mathers, BTW). Why do we get so caught up in the stuff that doesn't matter? If not plucked early and often, petty grievances are like splinters that become festering sores. It should be simple. Love one another. Isn't that what Christ told us to do. Love one another. One simple commandment (besides the love your God with all your heart one) and we can't get it done. We can find all sorts of justifications not to love someone, and I get it, some people are difficult to love. But that's not what he said. He didn't say love only the lovable. You can ignore that really annoying one over there. As a matter of fact, he specifically told us to go love the annoying and unlovable and stinky.



I think what it boils down to is this: I really miss some people. I want to be close to all of my people all of the time. Life flies by at breakneck speed and if you're the dead one it doesn't matter so much. But if you are the one left behind, that could be devastating. You can't recover missed opportunities the way you recover deleted files. None of the other stuff matters. Teslas don't matter. Being a size 2 doesn't matter. Having an enviable Instagram doesn't matter. Being the jefe doesn't matter. Most things don't matter. Isn't that the whole book of Ecclesiastes?



My 90 year old grandmother, Nana, died recently. I had her for almost 49 years. I'm grateful I was able to spend time with her right before she died but I'm even more grateful that I spent so much time with her over the past 49 years. Time is so intangible and yet so priceless. It reminds me of another song that my boozy parents listened to in the 1970s when they were in their early 20s and too young to be nurturing anything other than a hangover:



"But there never seems to be enough time

To do the things you want to do

Once you find them

I've looked around enough to know

That you're the one I want to go

Through time with"

Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce



Nana taught me so many things; unconditional love, humility, graciousness. She lived an exemplary life. She lived a difficult life full of sorrow but it gave birth to a woman with a most remarkable character. If I had not spent time with her I wouldn't have known her. I might have known about her, but I wouldn't have known her. I don't regret a single summer vacation, Christmas break or Easter that I drove to Laredo to see her, even if it was just 48 hours. She's perfectly etched in my memory and she is alive and well in my mind.



So the bullet points I promised you earlier:



** love, truly love



** forgive often and easily



** ask for forgiveness



** don't be afraid to make mistakes but see 3rd bullet point



** spend every possible moment you can with the people you love



** worrying robs you of precious time



** call your parents and your grandparents. they did they best they could



** giving your time is far superior to any other gift you could give



** own a dog. they are the definition of unconditional love



** practice gratitude. we aren't owed anything. every breath we take is a gift



** take time to thank God for everything you have



** be the change you want to see in your relationships and your world



** kindness should be demonstrated as mush as humanly possible. You don't know the next person's story



** travel and learn about people who are different than you. It's a big world out there



** listen to old people. the external package may be dusty but inside are hidden treasures



** laugh often and out loud



** appreciate this planet we've been loaned. it's a masterpiece





The storms may be raging outside, but within you can be a sea of tranquility. I'm sad for my friend and her family but grateful for the lessons learned by a life well lived. And selfishly, I wish I could still drive down and see my Nana, but she's waiting for me in a better place.

Impenetrable

My teenagers squished me into a mom sandwich today; first my two boys and then middle boy and daughter. I underestimate how much they need me to be there for them physically. The boys have a technique where they both whisper in my ear on opposite sides of me while pretending to be Nicholas Cage giving me secrets to find the National Treasure. Two giant boys who are man-sized squeezing up on me on the couch breathing their hot, stinky teenager breath down my neck. Then they decided to air-drop me obnoxious memes, machine gun style. I couldn't reject their requests fast enough and even when I did, they'd just resend the same meme. This went on for a good 30 minutes.

Daughter wanted to look at dozens of pictures of finger monkeys (as the name implies, a monkey small enough to sit on your finger), mini pigs and sugar gliders and hypothesize which animal would be next to join our family. She loves cute furry things for about 10 minutes and then bores of their company. She needed my undivided attention and if my eyes wandered off the screen, she'd redirect my gaze. Her older brother, the middle kid, joined us on the couch. They flanked my either side and then the miniature schnauzer jumped up and sat on my lap.

She'll only take a photo with me if she makes a funny face or sticks out her tongue. That's the thing about adolescents; they want to be near you but they don't want to seem like they want to be near you.

To parent a teenager one must become impenetrable. Their words and their actions rarely coincide and their thoughts and emotions bump around like pinballs. One minute you can be bloodied from a barbed tongue and the next you must reassure their insecurities. It's as much fun as hanging out with a swarm of angry bees or playing with broken glass. In my experience this can be worse with girl children.

My husband sent me an article about parenting last week. The author stated the decision to become a parent was selfish and driven out of a prehistoric Darwinian need to perpetuate your genetic pool. He hypothesized that there is nothing selfless about having children because it's about preservation of your blood line. That might be correct. Why else would a perfectly sane and rational person decide to subject a giant portion of their life to irrationality? However to nurture a living being beyond insemination some self-sacrifice must be involved. It's this realization that you are no longer the center of the universe that makes being a parent so challenging. I still don't have this perfected.

I used to think I was cool, nerdy cool, but cool nonetheless. Then the next generation comes along and usurps you. They mock everything you say, wear, listen to, eat, enjoy,...The way I chew my food drives my daughter to the brink of sanity. When her father and I eat, she has to leave the room. The boys think their father and I are cute, as in slightly crazy and demented cute. But all 3 of them greatly value our wallets. New Cole Haan loafers at $160; that is serious stuff that is needed and suddenly everyone appreciates mom and dad. Want a ride to a friend's house and the parents are amazing. Wanna stay up late listening to podcasts and we are the wisest people in the greater metropolitan area.

I don't like the descent into obscurity any more than the previous generation liked it. In my own youthful arrogance, I never thought it would happen to me. Regardless of the daily lesson of humility that is parenting, I still would do it all over again and with the same kids. The finished product has light years until it's complete. In the meantime I'll keep sitting on the sofa with my kids and provide them with mockable material. It will come full circle in the end and that's when Lee and I will get our rightful reward. When I sit with them I get glimpses of who they are becoming and that is all I need.

Quality Time

I've had the good fortune of spending the past 2 weeks in Western Australia with my daughter. It's been nothing but pure joy and a gift that I will forever treasure. We were imported over by close friends to help with their newborn and herd of boys and that has been wonderful on its own, but I will never be able to thank them for this opportunity with my girl. Everyone should have the opportunity to go away with each of their children individually. And if you can go to the opposite side of the planet far away from everything familiar, that's a bonus. This morning I looked at her and told her how much I love her. She had headphones in her ears and thought I was ridiculous, but it counted. My heart beams with pride for this kid and when she saw the tears in my eyes, I explained to her that some day she'll understand that you can love something so much that it hurts. Earlier this summer I went away with my oldest son and on both trips I've learned what I need to do better with both kids. My middle kid is long overdue his individual time. It's been hard work, raising these kids, but I like who they're becoming and in terms of investment strategies, it's been the best ever.