It's been awhile since I've written. This past school year I've been busier than necessary. It hasn't been good for anyone. My family suffered, my job suffered and my friendships suffered. I've always learned things the hard way. If someone tells me no then I am going to prove them wrong. Sometimes this quality is advantageous but when you bite off more than you can chew it is not.
It's interesting who is willing to forgive you/give you some latitude. Husband-check (he's a saint). Kids-check, check. Family-check, check, check. Job-check (still functioning at a high enough level that it's only obvious to myself. Not coming to work drunk or anything). House-check minus (but there are other extenuating factors that I will describe later). Friends-mostly check, check, check, check (last time I looked they were all equally as busy and tapped out to even notice me).
Being too busy can be an addiction; a false idol; a sickness. I fully admit that I suffer from it. There is a certain feeling of satisfaction when you can keep multiple balls in the air, even if it is detrimental to others (watch out below for falling plates, bowling pins, balls, etc). Sometimes you forget to pick up a kid from school, sometimes you forget who has practice where, sometimes you don't cook dinner, sometimes the dishes sit in the sink for 2 days, sometimes the dogs don't get walked. But, damn straight, you can balance on a tightrope while peddling on a unicycle and balancing a puppy doing a handstand on your nose and juggling flaming torches at the same time. "See, God, I am worthy! I can do many things at once even if I am doing most of them at 50% effort. Love me. Need someone to balance the federal deficit. I got it. Need someone to reduce carbon emissions. Got it. Need someone to find a cure for halitosis. Got it. Why don't you just come to me, God, for all of your needs. I got 'em covered." It's exhausting.
My kids just got their report cards and all 3 did well, As and Bs, but mostly As. My report card, B- at worst, B+ at best.
There is this intangible thing called grace. Not the kind of grace that you say before meals and not the kind of grace that trained ballerinas have, but grace that is all about forgiveness and mercy and unconditional love. In my belief system (I am a Christian, Presbyterian, but Jesus is my homie), grace is something not earned, but freely given. Some days and periods of time I need it in abundance and other times I just need a trickle. Right now I am feeling like I need a Niagara Falls worth of grace. My mom used to torture my brother and I in our Southern Baptist upbringing and we'd have to get up and read the Bible and pray before school and we'd have to memorize Bible verses. Looking back, it's like anything your parents forced you to do; you can see the utility in it as an adult. So, one of my favorites is 2 Corinthians 12:9 which goes something like this “My grace is all you need". There is more surrounding it, but that is the essence. Grace is sufficient.
I think, at least for the next little while, I am going to curl up into a giant, overstuffed bean-bag full of grace and hunker down there for awhile and maybe learn a thing or two while I'm trying to be still and not wiggle. At the end of the day, no one really cares about the laundry list of things you have accomplished (unless you are uber-rich and leave a lot of money behind. Then they might care b/c it gives your money more credibility. It's not just, hey here is some anonymous hermit who saved his money his whole life and bequeathed the city a library. It's the founder of Wowie Social Media site and electronic wizardry who left his fortune to the city. I'm not that uber-rich person. I'm just messy me). What matters, I think, is the way you have lived your life. That's what I want. To have lived my life well. I just need to slow down and circle my wagons and remember what really matters. Let's hope I don't get distracted by the next shiny object and can really put myself on a slower speed.
Peace out.
