Looking through old photographs is heart shaped. Remember that moment right there? Everyone felt warm on the inside. See those kids over there? The toothless ones with the dirty faces? They are bigger now. On that one, the nose looks different and the round features have sharpened. They, those kids, are pops of love, bursting forth with radiant goodness.
If I keep scrolling with the mouse I can travel 5, 10, 15 years just like that. What happened? When he was 2 and when she was 3 and when he was 6 the minutes were long and the days longer.
Make a family tree. That's what the teachers always say to them. Make a family tree. I stomp. Really? Again? But I melt. Those teachers don't do it for them. They do it for the yous and the mes. The good ones know. The good ones are also heart shaped. Even though I mumble under my breath, they are heart shaped teachers. Learn about your tribe. That is what they are telling them. Know your tribe. Add them up. Put them in rows and then stack them in your heart.
The pictures tell the story of love. You know the story. The one Paul talks about in the bible when he is talking to those Corinthians. When you look at the pictures you know exactly what he means, Paul and that whole love thing he is trying to tell those Corinthians. Lots of preachers at weddings read that love thing, the one Paul says to the Corinthians; what they outta do. But when you are up there in your expensive dress and he's in his rented tuxedo those words are like the flowers; they are just decorations. The rain could wash it away.
But when you scroll that mouse past 15 years you finally understand what Paul was trying to explain to those thick skulled Corinthians. The unperfect moments, those are the love moments. That was the year I was mad at her. That was the before the time her mind got sick. That was the time all the cousins were sticky and laughing because their hearts were so full that they didn't even know it. Those are the old people. They know so much they can't even tell us because we would never even believe them. They shake their heads in disbelief because they know we'll finally understand when the days get shorter.
Mostly they don't care too much about themselves any more, the old people. All those things they cared about when they were us, well they've figured out that getting the last cookie isn't so great. Because if there aren't enough cookies to share then it really isn't a fun party. I can see a glimpse of it. I can see a glimpse of how we are supposed to love. It's like riding your bike as fast as you can and taking your feet off the pedals. It's pumping your legs till the swing won't go any higher and you put your head back and float. It's sharing the egg beaters when there is cookie dough. It's belly laughing with your best friend or your favorite cousin until your face hurts and you just might pee yourself. It is sitting with your gramma when she can no longer make words because of the 4,672,924 hours she spent with you. It's showing up. Even when you don't want to because you don't know what to say or it might be awkward or uncomfortable and it certainly won't be glamorous or profitable. It's undivided attention. The real love, the love that isn't just red, but sometimes it's green or purple or even black, it's heart shaped because it isn't about me at all. It's about you and them.
Looking through old photographs is heart shaped because it tells the story of lumpy love. When you put all those photos on a tree and you look at your tribe and you look from beginning to end you can see that love is spelled differently. It's got more than four letters. If you look real close, love looks like it is spelled S A C R I F I C E.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Friday, October 16, 2015
Giants
Right now there is no joy.
Utter darkness is all around me. Literally.
I am shrouded in a dark sadness.
It won't last forever but I am burdened. Heavy hearted.
When I was young I could conquer giants. Now I just want to move around them; like road blocks.
What is the path of least resistance? It doesn't matter because there will be another giant in the road.
Staring me down. Roaring his great roar. Shaking his great fist. I'm not scared.
I'm just tired.
I'm not alone. I look to my left and to my right and those around me are staring at their own giants.
Their giants are fiercer than mine. One girl's giant - it has fangs and sharp claws. He is reaching for her and trying to crush her with his fist. I want to help her. But I can't. I don't even have pebbles to toss his way; to make him stumble. I yell to her, "Look over here. You are not alone!". I can see the sorrow in her face. I can hear her anguished cries. God, why do I have to watch this.
Sometimes the giant sleeps. He snores loud, rattling, wheezy snores. I like it when he sleeps. When he wakes up he is in a better mood and we can exist together. He's doing his giant things and I'm doing my people things. Once, he got a thorn in his flesh and he was pissed off. He thought it was my fault. He actually spit at me. Can you believe it? Giant slobber all over my body. That happened the other day. I'm still shaking off the giant goo. It's sticky stuff and sometimes it feels like it is crushing me from all directions.
I'm traveling through the valley right now. A valley full of giants. I'll make it through to the other side. I hope the others do too. I worry about them. Loosing their footing here or there. Stumbling and not being able to get back up. Sometimes (and this is the worst) the other girls lose their direction. They'll get off the path and go the wrong way. When that happens it's like their minds get poisoned. I don't know if it's the fear of having gotten off the correct path or maybe they ingest some toxin. When they find you they charge you with their steely daggers. Sometimes, even if you are quick, they will cut you just a bit and the sting is so, so sharp. Even if there isn't much blood. I don't know why they come at you like you are the enemy. Like you are the giant. I know this girl and I know she's not thinking straight; she has poison blood. But the betrayal hurts worse than the daggers.
I see one girl down the road. She is limping along. She's tiny but she has fire in her eyes. All the giants fear her. They've all talked about her. Sized her up, taken their shots. No matter what weapon they try to use against her, she has super powers all packed into that teeny little person. They respect her but these giants are bullies and they knock her down but she just gets right back up. She's like a rubber ball. I like her.
These are my giants and some of theirs.
Utter darkness is all around me. Literally.
I am shrouded in a dark sadness.
It won't last forever but I am burdened. Heavy hearted.
When I was young I could conquer giants. Now I just want to move around them; like road blocks.
What is the path of least resistance? It doesn't matter because there will be another giant in the road.
Staring me down. Roaring his great roar. Shaking his great fist. I'm not scared.
I'm just tired.
I'm not alone. I look to my left and to my right and those around me are staring at their own giants.
Their giants are fiercer than mine. One girl's giant - it has fangs and sharp claws. He is reaching for her and trying to crush her with his fist. I want to help her. But I can't. I don't even have pebbles to toss his way; to make him stumble. I yell to her, "Look over here. You are not alone!". I can see the sorrow in her face. I can hear her anguished cries. God, why do I have to watch this.
Sometimes the giant sleeps. He snores loud, rattling, wheezy snores. I like it when he sleeps. When he wakes up he is in a better mood and we can exist together. He's doing his giant things and I'm doing my people things. Once, he got a thorn in his flesh and he was pissed off. He thought it was my fault. He actually spit at me. Can you believe it? Giant slobber all over my body. That happened the other day. I'm still shaking off the giant goo. It's sticky stuff and sometimes it feels like it is crushing me from all directions.
I'm traveling through the valley right now. A valley full of giants. I'll make it through to the other side. I hope the others do too. I worry about them. Loosing their footing here or there. Stumbling and not being able to get back up. Sometimes (and this is the worst) the other girls lose their direction. They'll get off the path and go the wrong way. When that happens it's like their minds get poisoned. I don't know if it's the fear of having gotten off the correct path or maybe they ingest some toxin. When they find you they charge you with their steely daggers. Sometimes, even if you are quick, they will cut you just a bit and the sting is so, so sharp. Even if there isn't much blood. I don't know why they come at you like you are the enemy. Like you are the giant. I know this girl and I know she's not thinking straight; she has poison blood. But the betrayal hurts worse than the daggers.
I see one girl down the road. She is limping along. She's tiny but she has fire in her eyes. All the giants fear her. They've all talked about her. Sized her up, taken their shots. No matter what weapon they try to use against her, she has super powers all packed into that teeny little person. They respect her but these giants are bullies and they knock her down but she just gets right back up. She's like a rubber ball. I like her.
These are my giants and some of theirs.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Denominator
I've been thinking about this one for several days now. Every time I think about sitting down to write I just can't do it; it's too overwhelming. How do I, in one post, share my gratitude for all the women in my life? It's too much and there are too many.
From conception I've been surrounded by strong, fierce women: my mother, my grandmothers, my aunts, my cousins, my friends, my colleagues, my steps, my MILs, my SILs, my nieces, my daughter. I try to demonstrate friendship to my daughter. I hope she can see it and I hope she never takes her female relationships for granted.
Over the years I've lost contact with so many women with whom I was once very close, but not for one second does that diminish the impact they have had on my life, the magnitude of their effect. A couple of months ago I was having a conversation with my boss, a man for whom I have great respect and admiration, and I made the passing comment of how time goes so quickly and his observation was this...the denominator gets bigger.
When I was young I would mourn the loss of friendships as though it was a light that had been extinguished but as my denominator gets bigger I realize that these fading friendships are more akin to a star that still continues to burn bright, giving off light long past its expiration date. If Annie and I could sit and flip through the photo album of my life I'd take her on a journey and introduce her to all the women who have given me pieces of themselves.
I don't feel the same sense of urgency with my boys. They will get through life unscathed. But Annie, please listen:
It's imperative you comprehend the magnitude of sisterhood. Perhaps because your father and I didn't provide you with a sister I am compelled to impart this wisdom to you; cherish the women in your life. Nurture friendships and even after they seem to no longer have any life in them, put them on the shelf with all your best trophies. Give them a place of honor. Teach your daughters to stand shoulder to shoulder with the other women in their lives and tell them, often they will have to lean on these women for strength or stand on their shoulders because they think they just might not make it another day. Give the gift of time. Your house can wait, your laundry can wait, groceries can wait but relationships happen in the midst of the mundane. Drink coffee with your 90 year old neighbor, watch the young mother's baby so she can run an errand, sit with your friend during her doctor's appointment. In the blink of an eye it will be gone and you are never going to regret another unfolded basket of laundry but you will regret not spending the time because there is no way to get it back.
The denominator gets bigger but it is not infinite. Spend your time wisely. It is a gift. Live. Love. Cherish.
From conception I've been surrounded by strong, fierce women: my mother, my grandmothers, my aunts, my cousins, my friends, my colleagues, my steps, my MILs, my SILs, my nieces, my daughter. I try to demonstrate friendship to my daughter. I hope she can see it and I hope she never takes her female relationships for granted.
Over the years I've lost contact with so many women with whom I was once very close, but not for one second does that diminish the impact they have had on my life, the magnitude of their effect. A couple of months ago I was having a conversation with my boss, a man for whom I have great respect and admiration, and I made the passing comment of how time goes so quickly and his observation was this...the denominator gets bigger.
When I was young I would mourn the loss of friendships as though it was a light that had been extinguished but as my denominator gets bigger I realize that these fading friendships are more akin to a star that still continues to burn bright, giving off light long past its expiration date. If Annie and I could sit and flip through the photo album of my life I'd take her on a journey and introduce her to all the women who have given me pieces of themselves.
I don't feel the same sense of urgency with my boys. They will get through life unscathed. But Annie, please listen:
It's imperative you comprehend the magnitude of sisterhood. Perhaps because your father and I didn't provide you with a sister I am compelled to impart this wisdom to you; cherish the women in your life. Nurture friendships and even after they seem to no longer have any life in them, put them on the shelf with all your best trophies. Give them a place of honor. Teach your daughters to stand shoulder to shoulder with the other women in their lives and tell them, often they will have to lean on these women for strength or stand on their shoulders because they think they just might not make it another day. Give the gift of time. Your house can wait, your laundry can wait, groceries can wait but relationships happen in the midst of the mundane. Drink coffee with your 90 year old neighbor, watch the young mother's baby so she can run an errand, sit with your friend during her doctor's appointment. In the blink of an eye it will be gone and you are never going to regret another unfolded basket of laundry but you will regret not spending the time because there is no way to get it back.
The denominator gets bigger but it is not infinite. Spend your time wisely. It is a gift. Live. Love. Cherish.
Monday, February 9, 2015
The Bayou
Thinking about making a run for the border and I don't mean Taco Bell. I wonder how hard it would be to swim across the Rio Grande the other way and disappear into Mexico? I could make my way to the Riviera Maya and work cleaning luxury hotel rooms. I'd assume a new identity.
The sick thing is I'd do it if I could secretly spy on how upside down my family's life would become. Not from "oh how tragic the mother has disappeared" but the "what the fuck? Who has to be where and at what time and what's the passcode to the checking account and wait a minute, you have to file insurance claims and there is a birthday party when and who's gonna pick me up after school and buy me a new lunch box and make sure the dogs go to the vet and the tires get rotated and find all the tax deduction receipts....". I'd only have to think about me. Seems like a selfish fantasy but a girl can dream, no? Maybe I'd take my dogs, but only the one that doesn't shit in my closet. I don't even want to deal with that level of neediness.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
The sick thing is I'd do it if I could secretly spy on how upside down my family's life would become. Not from "oh how tragic the mother has disappeared" but the "what the fuck? Who has to be where and at what time and what's the passcode to the checking account and wait a minute, you have to file insurance claims and there is a birthday party when and who's gonna pick me up after school and buy me a new lunch box and make sure the dogs go to the vet and the tires get rotated and find all the tax deduction receipts....". I'd only have to think about me. Seems like a selfish fantasy but a girl can dream, no? Maybe I'd take my dogs, but only the one that doesn't shit in my closet. I don't even want to deal with that level of neediness.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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