Numb

My cousin's death has left me feeling hollow.  I feel like I'm an empty shell, uninhabitable.  I'm not sure what is most upsetting; the unexpectedness of it?  the disruption? the finality?  I find myself in every day occurrences but it's as though someone is performing the tasks for me.  I had to return to work this past weekend.  I saw upwards of 16 - 20 patients both days and I could do all of the doctor stuff that needed to get done, but I was disengaged with the patients and their stories.  

I cried at her visitation but that is the only time that I've cried.  My psychiatrist said it's because of my years of clinical experience I'm able to detach.  I suppose there is some truth to that observation.  

During the most intense parts of chemotherapy I didn't have any interest in parenting.  The nausea and bone pain and fatigue kept me from enjoying the thing that I loved the most.  I'm not that interested in parenting currently, or wifing for that matter.  I don't mind folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher or cleaning out drawers because I can control those tasks.  And they can be done without thinking or effort.  

I wonder when normalcy returns?  When do you wake up and feel the way you did before the person you loved died?  Can I get one more day with Lara?  One more phone call?  One more family event?  I don't like the end to this story.  My version is much better.  Can this be my new reality?  When will sensation return?