Little Silos Everywhere

Little Silos Everywhere

written November 2019

Sometimes we sock ourselves in - into our silos.  I'm doing it right now.  Like Jesus in the desert.  Siloing is not recreational.  It's not a vacation or an escape from reality.  It's hard, ugly work.  What's that show that guy does about life's dirtiest jobs?  This is a dirty job because you have to stare face-to-face with your ugliest bits, persistently, for a really long time.  When you stare at something for that long and that up-close, things get distorted. My flaws take disproportionate priority.  And I chip away at them and then I get the sandpaper out and try to smooth out the edges.  I've never had a facial peel, but afterwards, before you get that youthful glow and skin as fresh as a baby's bottom, your face looks like you just swam in a pool of agent orange.  My soul feels like it's getting a facial peel.  Good stuff.  

Once upon a time, a parent of mine commented that it must be very hard to strive for perfection and to fall short.  At the time, it felt like a pot-shot.  "Whoa!", I thought.  "From whence does this critical appraisal spring?" But he was spot-on.  Spring, sprang, sprung.  That serpent liked to have sprang up and struck me.  So I sprung back, recoiled (if you will), and I've been wrastling that wirey beast for the longest.  It ain't no fun.  He come up (the serpent that is) and promised me he'd give me a life of luxury if I just threw in the towel.  He tol' me that I just needed to worry about myself and my young ones could take care of themselves.  Besides, they were spoilt and ungrateful anyhow.  That's what he (that serpent) tol' me.  I liked what he was saying because it was sugary sweet and it felt good down in my soul.  I could lick my wounds and he promised he'd be my best friend.  

He's a big fat liar and I know it.  He ain't getting me that easy.  He's tried but I'm gonna eat me some snake stew.  Pitiful.  You cannot let your young 'uns run you over. They will try and try and for a while but they got their brains hijacked and mis-wired and mis-firing.  So you gotta kick that serpent to the curb and put the heel of your boot down on him nice and firm and for a really long time.  When he stops twitching, then you can make your snake stew.  Hang that skin on the wall.  

My daughter is everything yours is not.  She's street smart and mouthy (in a good way and a bad way), wicked and funny, sharp as a tack, fearless, vulnerable, frustrating, beautiful, ugly, easy, difficult, loving, full of hate, loyal, treacherous and mine, all mine.  She's been in her silo and I've been in mine.  They aren't conjoined but there is Habitrail, clear, acrylic tubing connecting us.  Sometimes we carry our feces back and forth in that plastic tubing.  It can get stinky and smelly in there.  Sometimes we'll hunker down in the shavings next to each other.  We've bitten each other before.  She sends me back to my silo and I send her back to hers.  I haven't given her the keys to the Barbie convertible but she's been out in her hamster wheel.  You might have seen her bumping into shit.  I love that jimmy-leg walking little girl.  I love her laughter.  I love her interpretive dance.  I love her mind.  It's a good, solid mind and it's full of insight and humor and forgiveness and goodness.  It's still figuring things out (where can this hamster wheel take me?).  She's battling her own serpent and mourning the loss of her own imperfections.  Sister, you'll do that all damn day, every damn day for the rest of your life.  Some days you'll forget for a little while and cut loose but then you'll realize the soundtrack is on repeat.  Trust me.  Some days you give yourself more grace.  Some days you give others more grace.  Mercy.  Trust me.  My daughter is just like your daughter.  

Last night I had two semi-recurring dreams.  In one, I'm driving uncontrollably down a road.  I can't stop and I don't know where I'm going but it's fast and reckless and there is no end.  In the other, I'm up against forces of evil cloaked in goodness.  She's with me in both dreams and I have to protect her but in the first, I'm helpless and in the second, I'm ineffective.  But when I wake up, I understand; they were just dreams.  I do step on the brakes.  I am present to help her interpret intentions.  And when we have to silo, we silo.  So she can have the freedom to be her; safely, with the guard rails up, without judgment and in the protection of her silo.  She's not Rapunzel.  It's not captivity.  There won't be a Rumspringa.  She's got this.  And I've got her.  Glorious, wonderful, beautiful, hilarious, wickedly smart, amazingly her.  

Dayum, I love that girl.  What a treasure.  I frustrating, marvelous, magnificent treasure.  

What's the Price for Flight?

Bear with me.  Today's rambling may be a rehash of my last post.

August 19, 2019 is my national day of mourning.  Or self pity.  Or sadness.  Or grief.  Or whatever you want to call it.  It seems extreme to put this on the same level as true tragedy.  It isn't.  I know that.  But right now, my heart stings and my soul is heavy and it's a loss and this is just an exercise so I'm going to call it like I feel it at this very moment.  I know all the trite and realistic responses but I need a moment to mourn, marinade in my feelings, sort them out and then move-on.  

I love the Facebook posts of everyone dropping their kids off at college.  I really do.  We're a social experiment that has never been conducted.  We've raised our kids, collectively, on-line.  I've had my account for 11 years.  I've witnessed everyone's kids' annual first day of school, learner's permit, driver's license permit, prom, annual vacation, broken bone, sports team triumphs, loss of pets and loss of loved ones.  We display every proud moment for the world to see and I love it.  I may not always comment, but I feel joy when you feel joy and sorrow when you feel sorrow.  I note every passing birthday and anniversary.  I could live every moment on-line and skip reality and some days and weeks my family and iPhone tracker tell me that I do.  

We dropped Evan off at college this weekend.  I held it together until today.  I had twinges of sadness over the past couple of weeks, on the drive up and over the weekend.  But pulling into the driveway last night, and knowing there would only be 2/3 of my litter sleeping under my roof and in their beds, things felt incomplete.  And it's all good.  He's happy.  He's where he's supposed to be.  He hugged us all and acknowledged the parts of him that realized this is a shift.  It's all good.  The alternative is far worse.  I know that and I'm so incredibly grateful.

But, today, I am sad.  I'm tearful and I'm in my pajamas lying in my bed and I don't feel like doing anything other than soaking in my sadness, letting it permeate every pore and every ounce of my tissue.  My baby boy left home.  His room is empty and he's not coming back tonight or tomorrow night or next week.  His sister is going to move into his room and his bed and his belongings will be relegated to her small corner of the house.  I'll never go back there and hear the blare and the beat of rap music coming out of his bathroom, see his shoes lined up along his wall, the clothes lying on the bed and the backpack on his desk chair.  I won't check my phone at night to see if he's almost home and wait to fall asleep after I've heard him walk through the door.  I won't hear him foraging for snacks late at night or making his breakfast early in the morning.  I can't ask him to take his sister to a friend's house or take out the trash or put his dishes in the dishwasher.  I can't get annoyed when the first thing he does when he walks through the door is ask me to order him new contacts or put money on his card to pay for the X, Y or Z he just bought.  And I know I'm fortunate.  I know the alternatives are far worse.  I know 12 years ago I worried I'd not live long enough to see this day.  I know my cousin missed this with her daughter, my goddaughter.  I know there are families that lost their children, can't afford to go to college, kids won't get off the couch, are riddled with depression/anxiety/substance abuse, etc.  But, today, I feel sad.  I feel loss.  I mourn and, with the rain that's coming down outside, I'm going to allow myself to feel this way.

Because, I think what's behind it is self-doubt.  And I'm not looking for validation.  But with every transition you ask yourself, "did I do a good enough job?".  Did I appreciate him enough?  Did I thank him enough?  Did I tell him I was proud of him enough (truly proud, of him, his character, his person, who he is-not what he can do).  Did I equip him enough?  Was all of it enough?  Could I have tweaked my performance here or there and done a better job?  I don't have the blank canvas anymore.  He'll be home for breaks and he'll call and I know that parenting isn't over, but for these past 18+ years, did I fail him in any way?  I'm sure I did, but is the damage severe?  Will he recover?  Will he forgive me?  Will he have grace for mine and his father's failings?  Does he appreciate we did the best we could with what we had or will he uncover resentments when he is out of our house?  Will he look back and realize he's angry with what we've done to him?  Will he write a scathing memoir uncovering all of our years of abuse and neglect?  Will he forget us?  Will he never want to come home?  Will he stay in touch with his brother and sister and grandmother and cousins?  Was it enough?  As I tearfully lamented to my husband this morning, "I can't possibly be expected to do anything today or the rest of the week because ultimately, it's all about me!".  It's about him.  But, really, it's about me.  God, did I f*ck it up?  Did I pray enough?  I can never pray as well or as often or as good as my mom did for me and my brother.  I don't have that kind of professional Jesus-ness that she possesses and maybe I wasn't as good of a parent because I didn't get up and do my quiet time at 4 am every morning like she did.  Did I thank Jesus enough for him?  

That's what I wish I could see on all these Facebook posts.  I wish there was an agony-o-meter that you could scan over every photo and know that you aren't alone; that everyone else in their newly decorated dorm room felt the same feels.  Behind the opulence of it all, that really you're a self-doubting mess.  That, sure you're aware of all the hits, but right at this very moment, you're more acutely aware of all the misses.  The photos represent the resiliency and what we want to project.  We know our kids will thrive in spite of our failings and that is what we are putting out there.  So maybe I do want validation.  Maybe I do want to know that everyone else is rating themselves on the lower half of the Likert scale right now.  

So today my family has to suffer me.  Even the dogs have to suffer me.  They were allowed to hop on the bed with me but as soon as they heard the bell chime and the door open, that was their cue to get the hell off the bed.  "Our human is off the chain right now," they were thinking.  My husband brought me my computer, the charger, a box of Kleenex, a bottle of coconut water and offered to heat up my coffee.  He was even the one to get the dogs on the bed with me and that is the number one offense in his book.  He will deal with his feelings in his own quiet and dignified way that involves burying himself in yard work, the bills and the gym.  My other 2 kids will and have been coping in their own ways but that is their own story to tell.  They love their brother, their captain who they both adore and who also annoys them in only the ways an older brother can.  So, I don't really get a full day to sulk and bask in my own schizophrenia of emotions.  I have to wash my face, brush my teeth, put on my clothes and be a wife, parent and an adult.  I have to give thanks, give myself some grace and carry on.  I have two other kids I still have time to screw up with or modify my parenting and do it better.  

EJP

I'm not so good at good-byes.  The oldest one is off to college in less than 3 months so it seems like a fine time to question any parenting decision we've ever made and wonder if we should have done everything completely differently.  I don't know who decided that our kids need to leave the nest to go to college or the military or wherever they decide to go.  There should not be an 18 year expiration date.  He's ready.  I'm not ready.  The time went by too quickly.  I knew it would, but I didn't expect that I'd be here, at this place, so soon.  It's like when you go to an amusement park and you wait all that time in line for the roller coaster and you finally hop on and then it's over.  

I have different ways of coping with good-byes and I wouldn't recommend any of them.  A lot of times I've walled off my heart to keep from getting hurt.  It's an immature defense mechanism, but it does prevent a lot of the sting.  I've made myself immensely busy at work this year.  On the surface, the choices seemed rational and well timed but I wonder if it wasn't some lame effort to keep from dealing with the reality of his impending departure.  When you're about to bring your babies home for the first time, you nest; get the house ready for their arrival by painting and buying furniture and preparing your home.  When you prepare for them to launch, you distract yourself with seemingly endless and meaningless tasks (all the while you are doing your best to convince yourself of the importance of said tasks).  

The irony is I'm quite good at living in the moment.  That's breast cancer's gift to me.  I have a fairly healthy relationship with what matters and what doesn't.  But there is absolutely no preparing your heart for this next phase of life.  I've watched friends go through it and I've seen them expose the fleshy bits of their heart but I couldn't quite place myself in their shoes.  I knew my time would come soon enough.  

My sister-in-law says that there is no time for sadness because the alternative, not launching them, is far worse.  I am grateful.  So grateful.  Twelve years ago, I didn't know if I'd be alive to see this day.  He's worked so hard.  He's earned every achievement to his name and I know that he's not gone forever but there will be no more first day of school photos on the front lawn with his brother and sister.  No more knowing he's tucked into his bed in his bedroom under our roof every night.  No more of him coming through the front door at the end of the day after practice or work.  No more scratching for food in the pantry, standing like a sentry in the doorway.  No more sitting at the kitchen counter doing his homework every night.  No more barreling through the door and asking what's for dinner.  

I've enjoyed every last minute of his brief time at home with us.  For him, it's a short part of his life, but for us, it's been everything.  If I could rewind and relive every single moment, I would; every sick day on the couch, every water polo game, every afternoon pick-up, every agonizing day of middle school.  There is nothing I'd leave out.  I love you Evan James Poythress with all of my heart and I wish you all the love and happiness that you have brought to your father and me.  You will do great things and you are well on your way to becoming a man.  You've brought us so much joy and I'm so grateful for the time we've had together under one roof.  I love you more than words can describe.  

Middle Kid

I just spent the past week with my middle kid on our "college tour" trip.  We didn't actually look at any colleges but that is a minor detail.  I did the same trip with my oldest kid before his junior year.  Middle kid is towards the end of his junior year.  I have one kid remaining and I'll likely do the same thing with her.  It's a good time to do it, their junior year.  Even though we didn't actually visit any colleges, the sentiment was there.  I suppose he imagined himself living in either New York or Boston and I don't think he could actually envision himself living in either city.  But, I could be wrong.  

Comparing the two kids, the older and the middle, is like comparing camels and emus.  They are completely different beasts.  I don't know when and if I'll ever get the opportunity for it just to be the 2 of us again.  This curly headed little beast has wormed his way into my heart and I'll miss the luxury of having time just with him.  He's an affectionate one, they all are, but he seems to be pure affection.  Sitting on the hotel sofa and watching movies on pay per view is enough for him, but only because he gets to be with his mama.  There wasn't a lot I had to do to make him content.  

That's the thing, when you spend individual time with a kid, you get their full personality.  It's not encumbered by siblings or expectations you might have of them at home.  They are free to be who they are and to be witness to that is something indescribable.  This man cub of mine who used to be my tiny baby is full of thoughts and humor and love and ideas and respect and consideration.  My heart swells like a tick so stuffed with his blood meal that it's about to pop.  

Everyone talks about the middle kid...like they are overlooked or forgotten or passed over.  There is so much beauty in the middle; a simplicity and honesty that likely exists because of their birth order.  I don't know how I could be so lucky to end up with a kid like him.  I didn't earn it and I don't deserve it, but I'll take him, every single minute I have left with him at home.  

Grateful beyond words.  

Enjoy the Scenery

Getting older is a euphemism for disappointment.  Realizing you have little control of your circumstances or the people around you sucks at first.  And it's a bit like getting tangled in web because the more you fight it, the suckier it gets.  I live in a house with a husband, an 18 year old boy, an almost 17 year old boy and a 15 year old girl and everyone has their own agenda and their own plans.  Gone are the days that I could dictate the schedule and force people to do things they didn't want to do.  

It's New Year's Day and trying to get everyone to spend time together is like trying to catch a slippery fish.  Food is usually a good way to bribe people.  We bought everyone food, 2 different kinds of food to satisfy everyone's desires, and we all sat at the table for about 20 minutes.  Normally those times at the dinner table I sit in silence.  Sometimes someone will ask me why I'm quiet but I'm not sad or upset.  I'm just soaking it all in, sitting quietly and listening to the conversation around me wishing the moment could last just shy of forever.  

They don't understand why I love them so much. How could they?  They are my creations but they are their own people.  I remember getting so frustrated at my own mother not comprehending why she was so invested in my time.  Why couldn't she just find her own thing to do and stop bugging me?  You pour everything you have into these tiny little creatures and then they become big creatures and you still pour everything you have into them.  You can't do it for yourself.  You have to do it for them.  But it still hurts.  They have to separate but every little movement away from you feels like another sting in your heart.  

In my Christmas card I alluded to not having enough time.  At the beginning you think you have all the time in the world and then your kid is 9 months away from going to college and you can count the number of days you actually have left at the dinner table.  It's sobering.  Of course the younger 2 don't get it.  And honestly, neither does the one about to leave because his life is just beginning.  I know he'll come back for vacations and summers but the meat of it is gone.  

My daughter told me that I always make everything about me and I don't deny that.  But doesn't everyone do that?  Every decision we make or action we take is for our own benefit. I'm just trying to squeeze out as much time as I can.  She just wants to hang out with her friends.  She can't see that my heart is breaking a tiny little bit every time she or one of her brothers doesn't want to spend "family time".  She can't understand that someday with her own family she'll feel the same way.  

So I'm trying to digest this middle place in which I find myself; not yet obsolete and not yet always needed.  In the middle of my kids launching their own lives and my parents' lives winding down.  My kids need me less (but they still need my money) and my parents need me more.  And I'm in the middle trying to figure it all out and still be true to myself.  Twenty years ago I was 30 and in twenty years I'll be 70.  These next 20 years will go by even faster than the last 20 and I have to make the choice to be content in all circumstances, even the ones that don't go my way because that is going to be the truth more times than not.  It's a bumpy road and I've gotten a lot of moving violations and will continue to do so.  I just hope I enjoy the scenery along the way. 

Up All Night

When my kids were younger I used to write a lot more.  The material was better because they were cute and all the stories were cute and charming.  Now that they're all teenagers the stories are no longer cute and charming.  Probably, 9 times out of 10, I don't publish what I write because I'm just spitting vitriol.  It would mostly be angry rants at the object of my ire, depending on the day and the hour.  

For example, it's 1:51 am and I'm put off by my husband because I took my daughter to the ER and it was going to be a 3+ hour wait.  I have to sit in the godforsaken ER because he is worried.  I could throttle his neck.  In our ER, we always expedite people who work there or who have family who work there.  I asked if we could get seen a little sooner b/c we both work for the institution and Lee has a bigger role and the nurse smugly said, "Now that wouldn't be fair, would it?  There are people who've been waiting here for 3 hours.  We can't just move you to the front of the line, can we?"  Princess, that is exactly why I'm asking!  She and I both know that if there are 20 people in front of us, not all 20 have the same level of acuity.  And based on my daughter's symptoms and vital signs, she would have been a higher acuity and should have been taken back sooner.  But she's a teenager and there is automatic bias towards teenagers in a children's hospital.  They probably looked at her and decided she was an eating disorder patient or had a sexually transmitted disease and so they'd make her wait a little bit longer.  I could have punched someone in the face.  At least the registration lady was helpful and nice.  She took us out of the system so we wouldn't be charged.  When I had asked the nurse she acted like it wasn't possible to take us out of the system.  I knew it could be done.  Why do people have to play games like that?  Do I want to be at a children's hospital in the middle of the night.  Absolutely 100% not!  When I call Lee to tell him we're coming home he says he's sorry I had that experience and, yeah, why don't we come back home.  Dammit!  Why did you tell me to go to the ER in the first place? Now she's asleep and he's asleep and I'm up processing my rage.  

I have the week off of work and it figures that one of my kids would get sick.  Whatever plans I might have made are just delusions.  That's the most frustrating part of all this.  Not that I don't want to sit with my daughter on the sofa and watch bad TV with her and make her chicken noodle soup out of a can and do mountains upon mountains of laundry while I try to keep the house remotely clean.  But it was just one little week all to myself and now that is gone.  And I still have all the expectations and obligations to fulfill.  Yesterday I went and did some volunteer work with a friend.  I mentioned that every time the kids know I'm not working I get sucked into doing something for them or, like today, taking ibuprofen and feminine protection products up to school for my daughter.  I remember those days and how embarrassing it was to start your period at school and to be unprepared.  But, shitty me is thinking, "ughhh! how inconvenient! Now I can't do what I want to do!" I'm thinking this to myself as I explain my tiny tale of woe to her, about having to take something to school for my daughter.  And she has the audacity to say this: "I know, but aren't you so glad that you have the flexibility to do that? To be able to to take them their stuff in the middle of the day?"  I'm thinking, "Hell, no! I don't want to be running all over town for them."  But I just nod and tell her, "you bet!" or something along those lines so I don't seem like a complete asshole.  

Well, I'd better try to get some sleep.  Morning is just a few hours away and no one is going to care that I was up half the night and there will be more stuff to do.  

PS, for the record, pediatric related health care providers can be so damn passive aggressive.  It's pathologic. 

I Suck

I'm sucking it as a mom right now.  My middle kid, a son who is almost 17, wants to get his ears pierced.  I say no.  It devolved into his feelings being hurt and I feel like I've been gut punched repeatedly all day.  It started at 10:30 this morning when he texted and said he didn't feel good and he wanted to get out of school.