Enjoy the Scenery

Getting older is a euphemism for disappointment.  Realizing you have little control of your circumstances or the people around you sucks at first.  And it's a bit like getting tangled in web because the more you fight it, the suckier it gets.  I live in a house with a husband, an 18 year old boy, an almost 17 year old boy and a 15 year old girl and everyone has their own agenda and their own plans.  Gone are the days that I could dictate the schedule and force people to do things they didn't want to do.  

It's New Year's Day and trying to get everyone to spend time together is like trying to catch a slippery fish.  Food is usually a good way to bribe people.  We bought everyone food, 2 different kinds of food to satisfy everyone's desires, and we all sat at the table for about 20 minutes.  Normally those times at the dinner table I sit in silence.  Sometimes someone will ask me why I'm quiet but I'm not sad or upset.  I'm just soaking it all in, sitting quietly and listening to the conversation around me wishing the moment could last just shy of forever.  

They don't understand why I love them so much. How could they?  They are my creations but they are their own people.  I remember getting so frustrated at my own mother not comprehending why she was so invested in my time.  Why couldn't she just find her own thing to do and stop bugging me?  You pour everything you have into these tiny little creatures and then they become big creatures and you still pour everything you have into them.  You can't do it for yourself.  You have to do it for them.  But it still hurts.  They have to separate but every little movement away from you feels like another sting in your heart.  

In my Christmas card I alluded to not having enough time.  At the beginning you think you have all the time in the world and then your kid is 9 months away from going to college and you can count the number of days you actually have left at the dinner table.  It's sobering.  Of course the younger 2 don't get it.  And honestly, neither does the one about to leave because his life is just beginning.  I know he'll come back for vacations and summers but the meat of it is gone.  

My daughter told me that I always make everything about me and I don't deny that.  But doesn't everyone do that?  Every decision we make or action we take is for our own benefit. I'm just trying to squeeze out as much time as I can.  She just wants to hang out with her friends.  She can't see that my heart is breaking a tiny little bit every time she or one of her brothers doesn't want to spend "family time".  She can't understand that someday with her own family she'll feel the same way.  

So I'm trying to digest this middle place in which I find myself; not yet obsolete and not yet always needed.  In the middle of my kids launching their own lives and my parents' lives winding down.  My kids need me less (but they still need my money) and my parents need me more.  And I'm in the middle trying to figure it all out and still be true to myself.  Twenty years ago I was 30 and in twenty years I'll be 70.  These next 20 years will go by even faster than the last 20 and I have to make the choice to be content in all circumstances, even the ones that don't go my way because that is going to be the truth more times than not.  It's a bumpy road and I've gotten a lot of moving violations and will continue to do so.  I just hope I enjoy the scenery along the way.