I'm not in a good place right now. It's been a complicated past couple of days and I'm feeling pretty down on myself. I'm trying not to, but there is a lot of negative self-talk. I can't really go into the specifics but feeling left out, feeling under-appreciated, and having to make some really difficult decisions have been the trifecta. I haven't been in a funk like this in a long time. I can't remember the last time. Certainly I've had kid issues, where I worry that I'm doing a shit job raising one of my kids or I'm worried about a particular direction I fear they may be taking. But, feeling shit about myself; it's been several years.
I used to be particularly good at negative self-talk. But when I turned 40 and then again 50, I stopped caring as much about what other people thought about me (or so I thought). But then this constellation of events occurred and it has me re-evaluating my self-worth. I know there is a bigger lesson in all of this and I'm not going to let this keep me down, but for right now at this particular moment in time, I'm going to wallow in it. Just marinade and see where it takes me.
I guess I have to consider, on what is my self-worth based? Where does my identity lie? Is it my family of origin? My family that I created? My extended family? My cultural background? My friends? My profession? All of these things are fleeting. As a Christian, I know where my foundation should be, but sometimes that doesn't feel like enough. Or maybe it doesn't feel good enough. I want external validation. I want to be included because if you include me then you like me. If you don't include me then you don't like me and maybe I'm unlikeable. Maybe there is some flaw in myself that I don't see. Like I have poop on my shoe. Or my breath always stinks. Or I have a miserable personality. Or a difficult character. Why do I go there? Why do I assume it's me? Why do I take my perception of other people's perceptions of me over my own knowledge of what I know to be true about myself?
And then, there is envy. When people at work get acknowledged in ways that I don't. I've never been acknowledged in the way that some of the others have. And I want it. I want that label. I want that shiny title. Because even if I know it about myself, I know deep, deep down in my craw that I'm the shit, I want someone else to give me an award that says "YOU ARE THE SHIT". It's like when you were in high school and they gave out carnations at Valentine's Day. Some people got a ton and some people got none. I HATED that. As if you're not insecure enough as it is in high school that they have to reinforce it with anonymous carnations. It's the same in academia. I'll never be one of the ones who gets all the accolades or all the awards. But I know that I've impacted the lives of my learners. Am I a cretan for wanting a certificate saying so? I'm am embracing my insecurity right now. Yes, damn it! I want the certificate!
But I guess that is what makes me, me. That's my charm and my allure. Maybe people assume because I'm always making everyone else feel so damn good about themselves that I don't need those positive affirmations. I'm the one you come to when you need an affirmation. Like a well that doesn't run dry. But I can be shallow too, people. I need props. What about me? Look at me over here smiling and telling you that you are FUCKING awesome? But I AM fucking awesome. I literally know that I am. Why the fuck can't all these other fools recognize it and just give me my fucking crown and sash already?
And then there is that other thing. The stupidly difficult decision. The very adult and responsible and professional thing that I had to do. The thing that was the right thing to do but might sever relationships. Damn, if that doesn't feel like a perpetual punch in the gut with accompanying nausea and a sense of doom, then I'd suspect I have morning sickness and a giant pulmonary embolism all at the same time.
So, it's a tough couple of days folks. A really shitty couple of days. But despite the bad feels, I have so much for which to be grateful. That's the worst part of it. Two thirds of the shit I'm lamenting don't matter at all and the other one third will have long term benefit (though I might not see it for a VERY long time or maybe ever). I feel a little bit better writing this out. But there isn't anyone with whom I can share this. This isn't a FB post. What's the saying, Fake it Till You Make It. That's what I'm gonna be doing. Going through the motions till it sticks.
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