Birthdays

I turned 50 yesterday.  It was a nice day and mostly a normal day.  Lee was out of town.  Part of me is upset and part of me doesn't care.  My oldest son turned 18 the day before my birthday.  He missed his birthday too.  In my mind, you don't miss birthdays.  You just don't.  Even if you don't have big plans for the birthday, you're present.  I'm trying to be supportive because it's an important conference for work and he's in a new role and he wants to do well and his boss wanted him at this conference.  For the record, historically, we don't make a big deal out of birthdays or Christmas or our anniversary or Valentine's Day.  So I'm sure, in his mind, he didn't think it was that big of deal leaving town for my 50th and Evan's 18th.  I know he's conflicted and he feels bad and he'd rather be with us.  But part of my crazy mind can't help but wander to this place; is he having an affair?  Is he up there with some woman?  On my birthday.  I texted him at 5:30 this morning and asked him if he was sure he was up there alone.  He's in NYC so it was 6:30 am up there.  He was asleep and he texted me a picture of him in his bed with his computer and bible next to him.  She could be hiding behind the curtains, I thought.  Or just out of the range of the photo.  It would have been better if he had face-timed me and given me a tour of the room and all the places a female could be hiding.  But my daughter was asleep in bed next to me and I didn't want to inconvenience her.  

The kids and I spent the afternoon at my mom's house w/ my brother and his family eating BBQ which is exactly the way I'd want to spend my day regardless of whether Lee was here or not.  We sat around my mom's big dining room table and the teenagers told stories about how they learn nothing in high-school and how all of their teachers don't speak English and how they watch ASMR videos of a woman eating pickles.