Lately, probably because of all the heap, I've been introspective. This self-indulgent pastime is a contact sport. As you may recall, in my texts with my mom, I stated that I'm always trying to prove my worthiness and I know this is rooted in deep-seeded insecurity. The human condition is such an F'ed up thing. Why, at the age of 44, am I still rearranging the puzzle pieces of my life?
So this is it. Illegitimate. If you look up the Merriam-Webster definition in the online student dictionary it says; 1: born of a father and mother who are not married and 2: illegal. The regular dictionary gives you this definition:
il·le·git·i·mate, adjective \-ˈji-tə-mət\
1: not recognized as lawful offspring; specifically : born of parents not married to each other
2: not rightly deduced or inferred : illogical
3: departing from the regular : erratic
4 a : not sanctioned by law : illegal b : not authorized by good usage c of a taxon : published but not in accordance with the rules of the relevant international code
with following synonyms: baseborn, bastard, misbegotten, natural, spurious, supposititious, unfathered
What if you are 19 years old and it is the late 1960s? Do this word and its synonyms have a negative or positive connotation? If suddenly you find your situation described as "not legitimate" by your parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and community how do you feel about yourself? What if the setting is a deeply Catholic and traditionally Mexican small town? What kind of vibes do you unwittingly pass off to your adorable little bundle? Especially if everyone is playing hot potato with you and your tiny little baby? At 19-20 years of age, you are probably conflicted by all the negative energy that is swirling around your piece of the universe. You love your tiny baby and think she's awesome, but people keep sending you mixed messages. "Your baby is adorable, but you are a f-up. And we need to send you away and pretend this never happened." Even if they aren't saying those exact words, this is all you hear. Everything gets filtered through the lens of condemnation. Kind of hard to recover any shred of self-esteem from this situation and to move forward in a positive, constructive manner. Fast forward 44 years and look back at those texts from yesterday. That 19 year old is the same kick-ass lady who is sending me those positive affirmations. More to come...sorry to put you all through this...this online, literary version of dissecting a garbage disposal, but I warned anyone who might read, this is not for you...it's for me (and maybe my kids someday. If they care)
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