I've not been as prolific this year as in years past and I am okay with that. I just don't have as much to say, but I suppose that is how it goes with writing. There are bountiful periods and then there are droughts. Not having anything worthwhile to say has not negated my desire to be a writer. I still see publishing somewhere in my future, I just don't know when or what. I try not to be too expectant of myself because I don't want to manufacture something out of a preconceived notion I might have. I figure that it will be apparent to me when I am supposed to write something and when I am supposed to pursue publication.
Writing as an academician is not anything I desire, which, to some extent, is odd. There is definitely a career path that would allow me to write academically, but I find it stale and boring. None of the topics get me (as one who writes) really excited. I like writing about medicine and about the process of being a doctor and an educator because that is fascinating stuff. It's a strange concept to realize that I get paid to have people listen to me; people like patients, residents and students. Most of the time I don't sit and ponder how big of a responsibility it is, but when I do, I am infinitely grateful for the opportunity.
Right now I am feeling sad. Our neighbors, good friends, will be moving soon. We have lived in the same place for 10 years and these people have lived in their home longer than we have. Their 2 children are the same age as our youngest and our oldest and all 5 of our collective children play together all the time. We are close in the way that neighbors are close. I trust them completely with my children and my home. They have similar values that Lee and I have and they are raising good kids and, by all appearances, they (the husband and wife) have a solid relationship. It hurts my heart to see them leave and I truly mourn their departure for Lee and I and for our children.
In many ways, as you get older, it gets easier to make friends. You don't really care what other people think of you and you aren't trying to impress anyone and they either take you or leave you as you are. But the hard part is, as you get older, there are less and less people with whom you want to spend time or make the effort of friendship. And, no matter what anyone says, after friends move the friendship changes dynamics. You no longer have the luxury of proximity. Everything takes more effort and with busy lives it's not always anyone's priority to make an effort. You have to go to the grocery store or take the kids to the dentist or pay the bills or make dinner or help someone with their homework or take the clothes to the cleaners. When someone is just 3 houses down the street you see them when you take out the garbage or water the grass. You hang out in the street while the kids ride their scooters or climb trees. You take turns letting the kids destroy each other's houses and you've known their kids for so long that it's not weird for you to yell at them (and they ignore you in a way equal to the manner in which your own children ignore you).
Being neighbors with someone and being their friend means you avoid the ackwardness of having to let them know how much they mean to you. Everytime one of you takes each other's respective child to practice, you just know. You've been to every birthday party, every Halloween party, and block party. You've witnessed career moves, home renovations and you know each other's extended families. You've brought each other diapers or honey baked hams at the birth of new babies, you've thrown each other baby showers that mother to be wasn't able to attend b/c she had to attend the birth of the baby that was being honored. That same baby is now 5 years old and spends the nite at your house with your daughter. During the worst time of my life, they were there for our family in a way that no amount of gratitude will ever be able to repay. And just like that, situations change and they have to move on.
I think it is easier to be the leaver rather than the leavee. If you are moving you have all the giddy anticipation of the new house and the new circumstances. If you are left behind you are left hoping and praying that whoever moves into the house is remotely tolerable. And you know that however wonderful they might be, they'll never replace the original occupants. As the one's left behind, you feel a little like Jimmy Stewart's character in "It's a Wonderful Life"; consistent, yet uncertain of your personal value. It's almost like a relationship that you know is doomed from the beginning, you just don't want to be the one who gets dumped. It's always better to be the one who jumps ship first. And with any good neighbor, there is always that hidden fear of the other one moving first and the guilt that is felt by the ones who are doing the leaving. And the secret selfish desire by the one's left behind, that all real estate transactions will crash and burn thus forcing your friends to stay put (but knowing that they won't really be satisfied).
But I guess this all part of that circle of life thing. Friends come and go. Lee and I have become accustomed to being the ones left behind so we'll be fine in the end. The kids, they are new to this game and that is what saddens me the most. Their impending sorrow leaves me wishing I could find a way out of having to face it. No guide book can really prepare you to deal with your kids' disappointment. So we'll do what our parents did before us; make stuff up as we go along and pray to God that we are doing a good enough job. I know that it's something that they will have to face in life eventually, a transition like this. And they will be fine too. They'll learn from it and they will be more resilient. But, I still can't help feeling the saddness that comes from saying goodbye to people that you love.
No comments:
Post a Comment