The boys got a crash course in animal reproduction this past weekend. We were driving and it always seems as though all important conversations happen in the car when you can't see the expressions on their faces. I think they do this on purpose. I'm not sure how the topic turned to the mating practices of canines, but it did. My oldest was concerned that even though our dog has been spayed, more importantly, because she was not married it was inconceivable to him that she could become impregnated. Now Lee and I are pretty conservative, but practical. While we won't be advocating teen pregnancy in our home, the whole "wait until you are married" concept, though in a perfect world would be ideal, might be impossible to enforce. And we already know plenty of people who have conceived/had their kids outside of the "marriage bed", so to speak. So, thinking that the whole idea of tolerance is more important than idealism, I decide that 290 west is the optimal location to disspell the myth of not only dog matrimony, but matrimony as a prerequisite to childbearing in general.
"Son, dogs can't really get married."
"But then how do they have babies?" he asks, bewildered.
Thus, the sex education lesson begins. Already they are well versed in the correct terminology of male and female anatomical parts, so I explain that the male dog's penis goes into the female dog's vagina. Lee expounds and decides to make it relateable, "You know how it feels good to touch your penis and it can get hard? Well a dog's penis can get hard too." I remind them of the times that they have seen a dog's penis which leads them to recollect all the different times that they have seen various animal's genitalia. Collectively, the two of them can remember a fair number of animal gaint-testicle sitings. After the digression, my younger son wants to know about the mechanics of the whole encounter. He is puzzled as to how exactly a dog's penis can fit into another dog's vagina. The two parts just don't seem to fit. Then I explain "humping." This is a term that is not in their vocabulary, so I clarify things for them.
"Well, they can't lay down together, so the male dog kind of pounces on the female dog from behind and his penis can go into her vagina", I offer to them.
Since we've gone this far, Lee figures we might as well go all the way with our lesson and starts in on embryology. "The testicles have sperm in them, which are like little seeds and these seeds go out thru the penis into the girl dog's vagina. The girl dog also has a little seed inside of her and it's called an egg and the sperm and the egg join together and puppies grow from this. It's the same thing for humans. This is how they have babies too."
My oldest, Mr Concrete, dumbfounded, exclaims, "No way, the girls have eggs inside of them? How did they get in there?"
So, Lee backtracks and explains the difference between the eggs that are seen in a cardboard dozen and the eggs in a woman's body. The oldest seems satisfied with our lesson and is quietly pondering these things in his mind, though the concept of canine promiscuity is rattling his sense of right and wrong. I know he is still thinking, "Surely, they must get married before they have babies. Who would take care of the puppies? Just the mom?" He does't realize, in the animal kingdom, there is not an equal division of labor, with dad taking the pups to soccer practice so mom can make dinner.
Our younger boy gets it right away (mercifully, our daughter who is far more savvy than both of her brothers combined, is asleep in her car seat). In the rear view mirror I can see his wheels spinning and putting all the pieces of the puzzle together. Boy dog's penis in girl dog's vagina. Boy dog pounces on girl dog. Boy dog's seed and girl dog's egg combine and make a baby. And this is the same as humans! I can see the moment his little mind is screaming, "Eureka!" and with an impish look on his face and a glimmer in his eye, he raises his eyebrows and says to Lee, "So dad, is that what you did to mom? Did you pounce on her?"
I'm sure that we will have this conversation (or versions there of) time and time again, but I don't think that Lee and I will laugh as hard as we did on this occasion, with tears streaming down our faces and urine soiling our underpants. Hands down, that was one of the top ten moments of parenthood. I don't see how people can avoid talking to their kids about "sensitive subjects". They (kids) are so damn smart that you really aren't sparing them from anything and you, as the parent, are, at the least, withholding some really funny stuff from yourself. Child-rearing, no matter how exhausting it may be, is awesome!
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